Dad ?
Why are you wearing Sunglasses in the house ?
Well, they're Prescription, ben.
They're helping me to read, Actually.
Besides, my regular Ones aren't ready yet.
But i like the way These look.
Oh, you do ?
Yeah, i think They look... Cool ?
No, no.
I was just Throwing it out.
Well, i think i look a little Menacing in them.
I think you should Take 'em off, you know ?
And skip the reading This morning.
Wait 'til you get Your reading glasses back.
Well, this--
I mean, it's kind of Embarrassing, you know ?
Who is embarrassed here ?
Well, you know, We both are.
Ben, have You seen my phone ?
My cellular phone ?
I gotta get out of here, I'm running a little late.
I have seen it, yeah, I've seen it.
Okay, can you tell me Where it is ?
Ben, i'm Running late, please.
It's around here, dad.
Well, do you See it right now ?
I'm looking at it.
Well, could you please Tell me where it is ?
I just looked at it.
Do you see ?
Ben, this is not funny.
There i go again-- Saw it.
Am i getting closer ?
Well, now, no, now i'm Looking somewhere else.
Now i'm looking at it.
I'm not enjoying This even one bit.
Now i'm looking at it.
I'm staring At it.
I'm glaring at it.
Hand me my phone, please, I can't see.
I'm leering at it !
Ben, what are You drinking ?
Some cocoa.
It looks Awfully thick, ben.
Are you double-bagging it ?
I put in three packets.
Damn, ben.
It tastes better sweet.
I know, but you Get all cranked up
And you don't know what To do with yourself.
And you end up Playing these dopey games.
Now, just give me the phone And goodbye.
You want some cocoa ?
No, i don't want cocoa.
I want my cellular phone And i want it now.
Hey, am i-- Am i the only one
That owns a rotary Cellular phone ?
Have i been Ripped off one more time ?
( Laughing )
See, i found it when you Weren't looking at it.
Why didn't you tell me I was right next to the thing ?
That's not it, dad.
What is-- oh, sorry.
Well, it's digital, That's what threw me.
( Ringing )
( Laura ) Yeah ?
Hello-- laura ?
Yeah ?
Laura, how do you Answer the phone ?
I knew it was you !
Come on.
Is there A reason you called ?
Actually, i'm calling because I'm running a little late.
I had to stop and Pick up my my glasses.
Okay.
So, uh, i picked them up.
They're in My possession now.
I have the glasses Right on me.
So i should be Showing up any second now.
Fine.
And when i get there, I will, uh--
You'll know it's me.
I'll be the guy With the glasses.
Okay, all righty.
You know, this will Be the first time
That you will have Seen me in that condition.
With glasses.
Right.
Okay, just wanted to Brief you, you know.
Wanted to give You a little notice.
You all right ?
I'm fine.
I'll be in in A couple of minutes.
But please answer the phone Correctly, would you ?
Whatever.
( Dial tone )
( Ringing )
Dr. Katz's office.
Okay, now you have To work on the ending.
So the trip was okay ?
It was okay, but, you know, I can't sleep on airplanes.
Because nobody will Cuddle with me.
People don't Understand that i don't want
Anything other Than cuddling.
I can't sleep without--
Just a little affection.
Yeah, there's one guy.
I said, "do you wanna cuddle During the movie ?"
Nothing-- and that hurts, doc.
I'm gonna admit That hurts.
How come guys never tell Each other they're beautiful ?
I mean, you know, Women will go,
"Oh, nancy, you look beautiful In that dress !"
You know, Two straight guys--
"Hey, frankie, step Into the light."
"Marone, you look Hot tonight, frankie boy."
Doesn't happen, It never happens.
You never see two straight guys Dancing with each other.
You know what I'm saying, doc ?
You never see, like, Two guys--
"Hey, al-- excuse me.
"Big al, would you Care to boogie ?
"Why don't You come over here
"And wrap those construction Worker meat hooks
"Around my big, hairy, Mole-filled, musclebound back
"And spin me, al-- Spin me like a top.
Spin me like the Little girl you know i am !"
You know what i mean, doc ? You never hear that.
Is something--
"Dip me like A doughnut," right ?
'Cause men are not comfortable Displaying their affection--
I'm comfortable !
But you're not like most men, I think, in that respect.
What are you Trying to say ?
I'm saying you're different Than most men.
In what way ?
( Belching )
Excuse me, doc.
Am i allowed To drink in here ?
Probably not such A great idea,
But, you know, There are no hard rules.
Nothing like coming to therapy And having a cold brewski.
You know What i mean, doc ?
You know, whatever it takes To loosen you up, i guess.
Oh, boy, i could Never sit through this
Without a couple of beers, You know ?
Oh, what's the point ?
Can i ask You something, doc ?
Yeah.
How long before I'm better ?
I can't put A figure on it.
I think you could try to Put a figure on it, doc.
I mean, i'm spending A lot of money here.
I'd like to know How much it's gonna cost me
To feel a little better About myself, you know ?
Well, is it money That's the issue ?
Because if that's--
Well, yeah, it's money, and The issue is my mental health.
I mean, i'm just not Feeling that well.
My hands sweat All the time.
My neck is loose, I don't know.
I mean, i can't Seem to function.
Well, shouldn't Your neck be loose ?
Oh, okay, yeah.
Can i have one of Those candies ?
Hey, laura--
Can you come in here For a second ?
I just need your help for one Second in here, if you could.
Uh, not now, Now's not good.
Well, i really Need you now.
Now is not good.
Well, this is The time i need you.
Now is really not good.
Okay, then let's Do it later.
I'm gonna have To shut you off.
Okay, don't do that, though.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye !
Laura, what i was hoping You could do is--
I've made a little eye chart for Myself, to give myself an exam,
Because i'm not actually Sure i need these glasses,
So i'm just wondering-- If you could take this chart
And stand on the other Side of the room
And just hold it, Facing me, and test me on this.
Can you do that ?
I'll do it, but it makes Me feel kind of dirty.
Okay, so we'll Start at the top ?
Yeah.
E-v-e-r.
Okay, could you do it a little More clinically, laura ?
Just tell me to cover An eye, point to a letter ?
You've gotta be joking.
Well, i want this To be a legitimate test.
All right, come on.
Let's just do this And get it over with.
Could you read The first line, please ?
Okay, should i cover One eye, or--
I don't know, Should you ?
I think i should.
E-v...
Is that right ?
I don't know.
Come on, laura, You're not helping.
Dr. Katz, you wrote it.
You tell me If it's right.
Well, then check My grammar.
Something !
Could you read The second line, please ?
B-o-y.
Do you know why I have glasses, laura ?
Why ?
Because i had my eyes Tested at a place
Whose only source of Income is selling you glasses.
Okay, well, i guess You're all set then.
I guess i am, laura.
You and your dad-- Did you do the classic--
The traditional father-and-son Stuff, you and your father ?
Oh yeah, we Used to play baseball.
I was the catcher, Which i liked.
Until one day i saw A game on tv, and i thought,
"Wait a second-- how come That catcher
Doesn't have his Hands tied to his ankles ?"
Do you spend the holidays With your family ?
There was always Some aunt, you know,
With a moustache and A wart on her head,
And she gives you A big sloppy kiss, you know.
( Slurping )
You know, but...
When you try to Go further with her...
You know.
And i think that-- do you Miss that warmth ?
That sense of Security from those days ?
Well, my mom-- She's quite nosy.
You know, the other day I caught her
Going through my socks And underwear, and it tickled.
You mean, You were wearing--
Yeah, she doesn't Like to ask me.
She needs change, She'll dig for it.
Yeah.
We have a close family.
I just bought My grandmother a present.
You know what it is, doc ?
No, what did You get her ?
It's an authentic Chicago bears football helmet.
So she's a real Bears fanatic ?
Uh, well...
The main thing is i don't Want her to be going on
About how i installed Her ceiling fan too low.
Right.
Put a stop To that claptrap.
We have time, Tell me about it.
One afternoon, when i'm Walking home from school,
And i'm watching some man Building a new house,
And the guy Hammering on the roof
Calls me a paranoid Little weirdo.
In morse code.
Huh.
Your turn.
Hey, emo, I would like to--
And i know you have an Aversion to this--
But i'd like to try just A simple word-association game,
Because i know you--
Let's try it.
Okay.
So i'll just say a word,
And you say whatever Pops into your head.
Woodwork.
I think it would.
Uh...
Oh, you're doing it-- This is fun.
Uh, music.
Umm...
There's no Right or wrong.
Just whatever pops Into your head.
You can't win anything.
Okay, music, Umm, peter.
Shutter.
Umm, house.
Memory.
How is memory related To house, doctor ?
Okay, you got me On that one.
Okay, let me Try a different one.
Uh, fisherman.
Seafood.
Very good, Window.
Washer.
Very good !
I think i'm getting Much better.
Yeah, you're great !
Yeah.
You know, unlike a lot Of the people i see,
You have a real talent For looking inside, you know.
For exploring what goes On inside the mind.
You know, doctor, i Used to think the human brain
Was the most fascinating Part of the body.
Then i realized-- well, Look what's telling me that.
Do you want some pretzels ?
You want Some peanuts ?
Goldfish ?
What ?
Goldfish ?
Don't push me.
Hey, can i ask You something ?
Sure.
Do you think that You could find yourself
Attracted to a guy With glasses ?
Oh, yeah.
A bald guy With glasses ?
Mmm, yeah.
Actually, you know, If it's the right guy,
It could be very Attractive.
Toothless ?
( Laughing )
Am i pushing it ?
Yes-- why are you Asking me that ?
Well, turn around for A second, would you ?
Okay, now turn back.
( Laughing )
I'm sorry... Wow.
Well, thank you For your support, joy.
Anybody you want me To scare for you ?
So i don't understand With this glasses thing, katz.
First of all, i think You're assuming a lot
By assuming this Is a case of a.I.E.D.
What is a.I.D.E. ?
It's the age-induced Eye deterioration.
I mean, it could be Some other systemic pathology.
Like what ?
What do you mean Like what ?
I'm just checking The spelling on the a.I.D.E.
No, a.I.E.D.
Age-induced eye Deterioration.
I mean, it's a common thing, But you're assuming you have it.
I don't know if you Should do that.
I'm right on target.
Right at the age Where the eyes start to go.
Are your pupils distended ?
( Laughing )
Well, supposing they were--
Is that the funniest Thing in the world ?
Don't you hate when people Ask you questions
You don't wanna answer ?
A friend of mine Says to me,
"Hey, dom, do I look fat to you ?"
I say, "no, not to me, But to everybody else.
To me you're Just big-boned."
I love that big-boned cop.
"I'm not really fat, I'm very big-boned."
Oh, isn't it Amazing how you have
Those big fat bones In your butt ?
"That's a pretty Big bone you got
"Hanging over your Belt there, benny.
"You know What you need ?
"A marrow reduction !
That's what you need, You big tub of lard."
I don't mean That in a bad way.
Don't you hate when people Ask you questions
When you love them, doc ?
People that you love-- You don't wanna hurt them.
My cousin louie says to me,
"Hey, dom, is my head Too big for my body ?"
Now, what Am i gonna say ?
"Hey, look at the bright Side, louie--
"A lot of people you can't Even recognize from 800 yards.
"But you-- It's like a closeup.
"Every feature, Crystal clear.
"Here, let me swing From your jowls.
Nerve endings don't Go that far, do they ?"
Let me show you another Option you have
With a question like that.
You be-- is it Cousin louie ?
Yeah.
And i'll be you, You ask me that question,
And i'll show you another Way you can approach it.
Okay, all right, Dr. Katz ?
No, no, no, I'm dom now.
Oh, okay.
Dom, you're looking Very handsome today, dom.
Thank you, cousin louie.
Uh, does my head look Too big for my body ?
No.
See, that's another Route you can go.
And then ?
Yeah, but then You're holding it in.
It backs up on you.
But you don't have to be candid With everybody all the time.
That's my cousin johnny.
He's always saying the wrong Things at the wrong time.
He's the kind of guy that Goes, "are your teeth real ?
"What stinks in here ?
Something die In this room ?"
I say, "hey, john, We're having dinner."
Then he won't let it go.
He goes, "oh, i don't Mean that in a bad way.
"It's like a good stink.
It's like a good, musky, kinda Wanna-get-to-know-you stink."
"Let it go, john."
"No, you know how some stinks Are really funky and vile
"And make you gag ?
"Well, other stinks Aren't as bad.
"Like earwax.
Earwax is not that bad A stink as stinks go, per se."
Then he says "per se," doc.
Like he thinks he's smart 'Cause he says two latin words.
You know what i mean ?
And then i'm the Dumb one in the family !
You know what really bothers Me about the whole thing ?
Nobody will listen to me.
Yeah ?
I mean, they say that i have Attention deficit disorder.
Are you Listening to me ?
Hold that thought.
Hey, dad, if you can't see, Put the glasses on, all right ?
There's no reason to Walk around blind.
I can see.
Let me help you.
Didn't this chair Used to be
Over on the Other side of the room,
Or am i losing my mind As well as--
Let me help You sit down, okay ?
I don't need any Help, thank you, ben.
And i have something To tell you.
I've decided not to wear Glasses, and i'll tell you why:
I don't need them, i don't like The way i look in them,
I do just fine without them.
So what i would Like to do is
Just drop the Whole subject of glasses,
And why don't we sit down and Have something cold to drink ?
Okay, help Yourself to a chair.
Okay, where are they ?
What's that ?
Where are they ?
They're right there.
Okay, would you mind putting The lights on ?
They are on.
Well, that light, the overhead Light is not working properly.
( Laughing )
Ben !
If this is your idea of a joke, I think it's really not funny,
Because i'm not Finding a lot of comedy here
In the growing-old Department.
I just moved the chairs into The other room because--
Because what ?
As a joke.
Oh, i get it, I get it.
The old man's Blind, so let's--
Well, no, Not really, dad.
Let's see if we can find his way Around in his new surroundings.
Well, it was also that I had nothing to do today,
So i moved stuff around.
Oh, and i also put 20-watt Light bulbs in the sockets.
Why is that, ben ?
'Cause it's a joke-- You can't take a joke ?
That's all i did today, I made up a joke.
You spent-- your whole Day was designed--
I'm gonna move the furniture Back when the joke's over.
It's not over !
How will i know When it's over ?
When you sit on the floor.
Ben, what is so Funny about growing old ?
Memory loss ?
What else ?
I don't know, The way they walk.
Are you through ?
I wanna tell you why This isn't funny.
Your timing, the delivery--
And there's nothing Funny about growing old.
You tell a lot of jokes About older people.
What about like aunt beedee,
When you made fun of Her peeing in the diapers ?
Well, that was different.
She would wear the diapers Over her clothes.
And that's-- That's funny.
That is.
No, i don't, i don't think The old are funny, i don't.
I just think you have To have a sense of humor
About getting old, And you don't.
I mean, i think you're too Worried about getting old,
And i think You're doing fine.
I think you should wear the Glasses and the diapers.
I can still control My bladder and my bowels.
Thank god.
One or the other.
Well, one out of two Ain't bad.
That's right.
You can control one.
Who's counting ?
Doctor, i had The weirdest experience.
I'm walking here and I say to myself,
"My gosh, That's jimmy peterson.
I haven't seen him Since i was nine."
And i walked up to him, And i slapped him on the back.
I said, "how's it going, You old rascal ?"
And he starts Crying, you know.
And i'm thinking, "Wait a second--
If that's jimmy peterson, He would have grown up, too."
Sure.
Yeah, well, now It's obvious.
In the cool, reflective Atmosphere of this office.
( Piano music )
Whoops-- you know What the music means.
Yeah, the peanuts Special is on now.
( Dr. Katz ) So, ben, i'm gonna See you later tonight,
But i'm not so sure I'm up for going out.
( Ben ) Yeah, we can Stay home if you like.
Rent a movie or--
Well, let me Take a quick--
Maybe there's something Good on tonight.
What is this ?
1972-- they Gave it four stars.
"Jews: a large shark
Is terrorizing tourists At a local beach."
Dad, that's jaws.
Oh, right, right, Probably a typo.
"Jews" is A different movie.
Right.